July 9, 2020
Day 118

This morning, I ran five sloggy miles in the 1,000% humidity. What kept me going was listening to this interview between Resmaa Menakem and Krista Tippett, Notice the Rage; Notice the Silence. It made sense to me to be listening while my body was in motion, while I was consciously aware of an connected to my breath. When he offered Krista and their listeners a practice, I paused and practiced, reminded of the power of tuning into our bodies in subtle ways that require slowing down and attention.

Years ago, I led a group called Get Your Muse On (shout on to the Muses!). For a year or two, we had what I fondly called F-Word Fridays. Of course folks could choose any F-word they wanted, but it was also really a day to let the fucks fly -- something at once Fun and Freeing (see what I did there?) way of showing up, i.e. not disappearing.

* * * * *

But there are, of course, four other F-words, all of which are natural responses to threat (or, as the case often is, the perception of threat). These are fight, flight, freeze, fawn -- and I experienced all of these in the past week.

I don't usually go towards "fight," but I did see that part of myself in one particular interaction. She runs faster, pounds the keyboard, and goes guns blazing into the fire. She is impulsive & intuitive but not necessarily skilled.

The "flight" me wants to close up shop forever, never post anything on social media again, and retreat to a life of simple anonymity. This one feels closest to fragility.

When I go into "freeze" mode, my brain seems to do just that. I go blank. I feel disconnected from my body and feel like I lose my ability to connect and communicate. Deer in the headlights.

And "fawn" (which I've also seen as "appease") for me is perhaps my oldest default. It takes the form of being overly solicitous, in a projecting (i.e. inauthentic) kind of way, as a response to fear of upset or discord. Definitely most my child self.

Staying with and expanding capacity for discomfort in a very real, physical way, noticing each of these responses without judgment/shame, learning to self-soothe rather than look outside of myself for validation, and knowing that regulating the nervous system is its own practice with far-reaching implications for pretty much everything in life.

Whether it's in relation to the writing we're doing (or the reason we're avoiding writing), our activism (whether established or burgeoning), or any number of other areas in our lives, if we don't find our way into the body to see where our own trauma lives, it will be much harder to shift the ways it keeps us stuck.

Speaking of stuck (and not getting stuck here), here are two FREE courses led by BIPOC that will help you start and/or keep going with this work:

- 5-Day Racialized Trauma Home Study Course with Resmaa Menakem

- 30-Day #DoTheWork Course with Rachel Elizabeth Cargle

If it's writing you could use some help getting unstuck with, schedule a coaching session.

Whether we wind up meeting just once or working together for some longer stretch, we'll make room for you to connect with yourself so that you can locate what's really true -- and what your next steps might be.

In the meantime, what F-word is showing up in your life most these days?

Day 118: F-Words