11 things after Shabbat
July 11, 2020
Day 120
1. Had a mild anxiety attack this morning over financial aid stuff I've been putting off.
2. It amazes me how a person can be so on top of so many things, and then have that one thing that they (ahem, I) keep avoiding, that in reality only takes a small amount of time to complete. Well, not complete, but at least move forward.
3. Then I sat my ass down on the living floor and meditated for 10 minutes, to remind my body that there was no actual threat to my safety. While I was sitting, the first time I remember telling a lie came back to me. I don't know how old I was, only that I was under nine, since this happened in Buffalo. I was eating a TV dinner in the backyard alone, and spilled the mac & cheese in the grass. I told my mom Dorothy Campbell did it.
4. Dorothy Campbell stuck around for some time after that. I don't know why I was scared to confess to the spilled mac & cheese, why I felt I needed a scapegoat.
5. I went to Zoom Shabbat services. As soon as I put on my tallit, I felt a little calmer. After an hour of morning prayers, I had returned to myself. I listened to the Torah readings and discussion without video while I puttered around the kids' rooms, watering plants, cleaning a bit, contemplating many things and enjoying the ability to be in two places at once.
6. Later, I zipped over to my office to pick up two very neglected plants, my Jennifer Davis calendar (which now looks so perfect in the kitchen), and the pink filing cabinet since my files at home were way full. I was pouring sweat just from this little of carrying things up and down stairs. I brought the big jade back to my parents' house; it will be happier there than in our crowded apartment.
7. When I got home, I listened to Krista Tippett in conversation with Resmaa Menakem and Robin DiAngelo on a new On Being interview. Really sitting with the reality of "re-wounding," as Menakem says, when it comes to white people working out/on our shit. I also appreciated what one of them said about the fact that it takes actual energy NOT to see or confront racism, i.e. it is not innocent. It is willful. I feel this.
8. Every day, we are asking ourselves what actively dismantling white supremacy looks like today. Being on alert about not making this work about being a "good ally" but rather about justice and the fact that our country is not safe for Black, Indigenous, and People of Color. Until it is, we can't stop.
9. I saw a side by side visual of countries with the worst and best records around Covid-19. The leaders of those countries are, respectively, all men and all women. Coincidence?
10. I wonder when we will have our first nonbinary president.
11. Did some writing tonight about fears around taking time off -- this will be no surprise to self-employed folks. Will you help hold my feet to the fire to take a true break from work in August?
