"Being Queer Saved My Life"
“Being queer saved my life. Often we see queerness as deprivation. But when I look at my life, I saw that queerness demanded an alternative innovation from me. I had to make alternative routes; it made me curious; it made me ask, ‘Is this enough for me?’”
I'm currently coveting a house. I will say only that its price tag is blasphemous and flies in the face of my values around wealth, but oh my we contain multitudes. Why do I even need to defend it?
We must allow ourselves to dream ALL of our dreams and not squish some of them for fear of how they'll sound or seem. So, I can dream of a world where our worth and wellbeing have nothing to do with our jobs or incomes, and I can want this home, without an iota of conflict or guilt. We weigh ourselves down with so much.
Today, I commented on a question (the question was what book by a Black feminist changed your life). Instead of responding with the title of one book, I wrote closer to 6 or was it 10?
And then a bout of self-consciousness and self-criticism cropped up, telling me not to be such a damn teacher's pet type person, how I couldn't even follow this simple direction, how I was centering myself by being "extra." WHOA, NELLIE. I was able to see what was happening (perfectionism, anyone?), and talked myself off that ledge, so that's progress right there.
Today, Aviva submitted her four transfer applications. Her girlfriend Yael is with us for a week, and Yael, Mani, and I stood in a semi-circle around V as she hit "submit" for each one, in order of preference. I blew a kiss to each one (along with my own wish for a generous financial aid package). Now she waits.
I took a nap after lunch. It was going to be half hour but turned into more like a whole hour. I'm taking a running break, as a result of something miraculous called listening to my body. Today I took a short walk -- no airpods, no music, just the rustling of dead leaves and the sound of my own inner chatter and breath in and out of nostrils.
Mani is writing like a fiend. Sometimes I think, I am not a serious writer. And in a way, it's true. In a way, I'm actually fine with that. But it still amazes me how long it takes to step away from the expectations and standards of my upbringing as well as the world at large, or at least so many aspects of our culture. It's why I love that Ocean Vuong quote so much, about how queerness saved his life.
Because queerness is not just about sexuality or sexual orientation; it's about orientation in a much broader sense, i.e. how we see and thus meet the world. It means interrogating the systems we are tethered to and whose interests they have in mind and at heart. And it means leaving behind, like so many articles of ill-fitted clothing, all of the rules and restraints that don't allow us to truly create, truly live, and truly shine.