You Deserve That

I want to tell you a little story, one I just shared this morning with my newsletter subscribers (link in comment to sign up).

As some of you may remember, back in late May, I sent an email to a spiritual life coach. I had been following them for some time on Instagram, where they are an influencer and activist. One night, on a whim, I went to their website to learn a bit more about them, and lo and behold, saw that they were also a coach. "I'm going to email them," I chirped to Mani. "Go for it, babe," Mani said. The next morning, over coffee, I did.

A few days later, I was admittedly a bit floored when they responded to my email. I had written about being tired of struggling with things I knew in my heart I'd outgrown. Those grooves run deep and take time to redirect and replace.

Instead of overthinking it (and quite possibly talking myself out of it), I asked for help. They said they did have room and would love to work with me, with one caveat: "Now, I know you know this, but I'm warning you, I will hold you accountable to treat yourself the way you tell clients to treat themselves, and to do that at an Olympic level. You deserve that." They continued: "Your email was so touching, honestly. I have felt exactly the same way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you (as you know) and I'm happy to hold the space of that truth."

Fast forward four months to last Friday afternoon. I logged onto Zoom for the last of our initial seven-session package (I have since signed up for round two). There was my coach on the screen, looking fabulous as usual. "I have an agenda for us today! Since this is the last call of your package, we're going to reminisce and celebrate."

And that, dear reader, is when I promptly burst into tears.

We did not reminisce. We did not celebrate. We did not get to a joyful retrospective of our previous six coaching sessions and all of the living and learning and growing that occurred between them.

Because in that moment, on that day, I had other things on my heart, and what I really needed was space to name them, share them, and acknowledge how hard I was working to keep anxiety at bay rather than actually allowing myself to feel it fully.

At the end of our call, I told my coach I was sad that we hadn't gotten to their agenda. After all, who doesn't want to celebrate? "Life isn't about agendas," they said ever so wisely.

Indeed. Life is not about agendas. This doesn't mean we don't work with intentions, goals, and plans. If anything, it recognizes that our attempts to push feelings away is often a trauma response, a learned behavior, and -- sometimes -- even a form of self-punishment or self-sabotage.

Sharing with my coach what was really on my mind was scary for me. And sure enough, I felt better after I did and saw that they could be with me without leaping to conclusions or even solutions.

We underestimate the power of presence. The more energy we put into avoiding our feelings, the less available we become to the very things we want to create and accomplish. Having your people -- be they friends, coaches, clergy, or mental health professionals -- makes all the difference. You don't have to shout your fears from the rooftops (and don't let any social media trends bully you into thinking otherwise -- that's not love). But you also don't have to go it alone, agendas be damned.

The teacher must have teachers. The friend must have friends. The caregiver must have caretakers. The healer needs healers. The coach needs a coach. The mama needs mothering. No one is exempt from this needing, and sometimes I think it's one of life's most beautiful gifts and one of life's hardest tasks -- learning to recognize it, learning to act on it, and learning to receive support.

Make room for yourself amidst your many agendas, no matter how pressing they may be. As my coach wrote to me: You deserve that.